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Content Created: July, 1999 / Updated: July 19, 1999
(originally posted in October 1993 to the Torg Mailing list)
[ Man, I drink too much caffiene... ]
"Come, my sidekick! We must be off to wrong rights, scare innocent civilians out of their minds, and generally make good-doers look like overpaid garbage collectors."
"Wouldn't that be 'refuse management engineers'?"
"Why, no! We're the villians! We're not politically correct! And anyway, the Nile Empire has no concept of PC! Mwah ha ha ha!"
The pair of villians scampered along a lonely alleyway of Cairo. The taller of the two, the leader, was dressed in dark clothes far out of fashion even in the Nile, looking for all the world like a demonic Sherlock Holmes, only with a floppy hat, and a blood-red "ST" emblazoned on his chest. His sidekick was an excessively rotund individual, only marginally over 5 feet, who puffed as he walked. His costume was tight-fitting, and totally black. It really looked rather disgusting, enhanced by the fact that the symbol on his chest was a realistically rendered human heart.
"ST! How much farther must we go? You know I prefer to do my evildoing sitting down." He nervously adjusted his glasses.
"Never fear," came the overly dramatic reply. "I sense that there are some incompetent minions of Niceness and Goodness just ahead."
"How can you tell?"
"There is a knot in my stomach. I feel like I just watched 'Barney and Friends'."
[ OK, cheap shot. Now, back to our story. ]
They snuck forward. The taller one peeked around the corner and saw his targets, the heroes Captain Cool and The Crimson Cobra. They made a good team, but no longer.
The tall villian leapt out into the street, followed moments latter by the hurtling form of his sidekick. Good thing that the heroes were facing the opposite direction, because the villians had just barely enough time to strike dramatic poses and flash their rotting teeth before the heroes turned at the sound of the shorter villian's landing.
"Your heroing days are numbered!" shouted the taller villian. "In fact, they number quite a lot less than one! For I, The Scrawny Terror, and my sidekick..." The taller paused for his sidekick to speak, then nudged him.
The shorter blinked a couple times, then had the presence of mind to shout out, "And Ventricle Lad!"
ST's eyes rolled, and he continued, "For I, The Scrawny Terror, and my sidekick, Ventricle Lad, will defeat you now most soundly!"
Captain Cool looked imperiously at the opposing pair over his sunglasses, while adjusting his Arctic Cool (tm) leather jacket. His companion, the Crimson Cobra, respendant in her dark red tight-fitting suit, smirked and crossed her arms, leaning nonchalantly against a convenient motorcar.
"I see that you do not take us seriously! Well, you shall pay! Sic them, Ventricle Lad!" He pushed his hapless sidekick toward the heroes.
Ventricle Lad took a couple steps forward and fell flat on his face, losing his glasses. He scrambled around on the ground to find them. Captain Cool leisurely sauntered forward and picked them up.
"Looking for these?" He dangled them from one hand.
Ventricle Lad looked up and squinted at the Captain. "Hey! You give those back! Or I'll, I'll..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll... sing my theme song!"
"Oh, no," replied Captain Cool sarcastically.
"You asked for it," pouted Ventricle Lad.
"Ventricle Lad, Ventricle Lad,
Does whatever a ventricle can,
Pumps some blood, all the time,
Squirts it on heroes, any size.
Look out, here comes Ventricle Lad."
Captain Cool's smirk evolved into a frown as he came to realize just how bad it was. As Ventricle Lad finished, he gave the Captain an "I told you so" look, and extended a hand, spraying him down with red liquid. The Captain began to scream as he realized that this "blood" was rather strong acid. He dropped VL's glasses and ran off, trying to find water, and smoking quite excessively.
The Crimson Cobra's smile had changed into a look of fear, too. She also attempted to get away, but as she turned, she ran into the Scrawny Terror, who had not been there a moment before. He said, "Boo." The Cobra screamed and ran the other direction, slipping in the pooling acid, and falling in it. Her screams reached a higher pitch, as she too began to smoke.
The Terror watched with glee as the Cobra began to dissolve, and was soon joined by Ventricle Lad, who had found his glasses and managed to put them on upside down.
But, fortunately for the Cobra and Captain Cool, Cairo is densely populated with heroes, and one came rushing at the sound of their screams.
"Here I come to save the day!
Mighty Hydrant is on his way!"
With that, a hero in a fire-engine red costume and a large tank on his back swooped in and landed near to the Cobra. He doused her with water from his MegaSquirt (tm) Squirt Gun (it said so on the side). The smoking subsided. He turned his helmeted head (helmet shaped like a fire engine, of course) and confronted the villians with hands on hips in a dramatic pose.
"It is fortunate that I was in the area to save both the Crimson Cobra and Captain Cool. Now, cease and desist, evildoers! For I, the Mighty Hydrant, shall otherwise hose you down!"
VL looked troubled and glanced at ST. The Terror was looking at the Hydrant menacingly, almost snarling, but the man in red didn't seem to care. "All right, have it your way, do-gooder fool! Sic him, VL!"
Ventricle Lad hesitated a moment, and then let loose with another stream of acid. Mighty Hydrant responded quickly with a spray of his own. They collided and fell to the ground, where the diluted acid still ate into the pavement.
"Ah, ha! You think that mere acid can defeat me? Why don't you try some... base!" MH adjusted his gun, and the color of the water stream became a vivid blue. He cranked up the pressure and the meeting point moved closer to the villians. VL looked ready to turn and run, but kept up the stream of acid. As the basic solution was about to reach the villians, ST raised his hands, and a bolt of eldritch energy lanced out to the hero.
MH's eyes became glazed over, and he began gibbering fearfully. He dropped the squirt gun, which still ran. The acid now hit him unhindered, and he fell to the ground smoking.
"Stop, Ventricle Lad. I have other plans for our nemesis." He led his sidekick over to the smoking, gibbering hero. Dragging MH out of the pooling acid, he removed the tank and squirt gun. Then he sent them hurtling over the city with a Mighty Heave (tm). Baring his rotting teeth in a demonic grin, The Scrawny Terror put his hands on each side of the wide-eyed hero's head.
"Now, you are no longer Mighty Hydrant. You are my new sidekick-"
"Hey!"
"-in addition to Ventricle Lad. You are now Citrus Man, master of shooting fruit juices from your hands. You will not remember what you were before. You have always been Citrus Man. Now, sing your theme song!"
In a distant voice, the former Mighty Hydrant sang,
"Citrus Man, Citrus Man
Does whatever a lemon can
Squirts some juice, on the floor,
Whatever I do, it's a bore.
Look out, here comes Citrus Man!"
"Good. Now we'll find you a real uniform."
"Say, ST, don't you have a theme song to the same music?" asked VL.
"Yes, I do, but I am too cultured to sing it. Besides, I had another name back then. Now, I am just THE SCRAWNY TERROR! Mwah ha ha ha! Come, my sidekicks, we have other heroes to defeat! Wait, we're not PC! We don't want to just defeat them, we want to kill them! And we're proud of it! Let us be off!"
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